I'm not sure if I am happy or sad now? Or a little mad? It is a complex mixture of emotion, I guess.
There are many reasons why I feel like crying today.
I am marching into my senior year. It's Freshmen Orientation today! The student council organized Club Exhibition for the freshmen, whereby all the clubs in the school set up booths to promote (or rather advertise) our clubs, introducing our clubs to the freshmen. I am in the Bliss and Wisdom Club. I am the president of the club this year.
For four years, I have been staying in this club. I firmly believe that this club is really meaningful. It makes big significance in my days in university, or rather eternal impacts in my life. We promote the importance healthy lifestyle, environment protection, and spiritual learning. We inculcate the values of going vegetarian, going organic, tree plantations, which are something we could do together to save the Earth. We also learn how to show our appreciation to others' kindness, and return our gratitude by manifestations. We learn to be more sincere towards everyone. We learn how to set a higher goal in our lives. Little actions we do, little improvements we make, they bring us and others greater happiness. Perhaps we have different interest, for example, some of us like music, while some like photography, whereas some like interacting with people, but with the same goal, we can progress together as one. But spiritual progress is intangible. And thus, our club is not that attractive compare to others (like Rock Band, Guitar Ensemble, Hot Dance, Cosplay.)
I had a hard time this year.
There were so many administrative preparations we have to complete before hand. We gathered some executive committee members for discussion at two days before the exhibition. We complete our advertising flyer the night before the actual day.
Having insufficient manpower on the actual day was a great challenge. It was not the situation that most of were reluctant to contribute. The exhibition coincidentally clashed with their plans. Most graduates are not in Taipei, and most of our members, especially the sophomores and juniors, had something else scheduled today. Some had practicum, some had badminton training, some had other lessons, some are overseas, some have yet return to Taipei. So only two of the members were available today.
Was it my Karma? Maybe I was too reluctant or even refused to help others when they need help in the past. Or there is something I should learn at such situation? Is it the opportunity to transcend? Is it the time that I should learn how to seek for help from the Magnificent one?
I was very anxious.
I called for help. My helped was answered. Teachers and friends from our partner school came over to help despite their tight schedule. My roommate gave me her big hand too! They couldn't stay long, but the help they offer melted my anxiety. It is always great to have someone there for you upon facing big challenge! I am more than grateful come to think of them. We set our booth under the scorching sun. My teachers kept encourage me that it's a great time to accumulate merits. They reminded me that I should put the focus on contemplating why should I stay in this club. Am I convinced that this club really brings many benefits to me, and has contributed much to my improvements? I must convinced myself before persuading others! And it is not about how many people visited our booth, it is about whether I am giving my concerns to the freshmen with my utmost sincerity while distributing the flyers. These are always inspiring, even though my teachers repeated them every year.
The exhibition was delayed, and many helpers had to leave before it started. My anxiety returned. But once again, I tried telling myself that I should put my focus on the right mindset. So I tried amending my thoughts.
The exhibition was about to commence. Some booths started playing blasting musics, while some started cheering. Many booths were well decorated with attractive sign boards. We have signboards too, but they weren't as striking as others. We had cheers too, but not as loud as others.
The freshmen came down from the hall in groups, heading towards the exhibition venue, like water flowing out nonstop from the building. I was standing by the stairways, be the first to distribute the flyers. I was sending my earnest regards to each freshman who bypass me, regardless they receive my flyers or not. Some of them are shy. Soon, the exhibition was packed with people. I returned to the booth when the crowd had already shifted to the "exhibition hall". Some booths designed exciting games, which drew the attention of the freshmen. When I arrived my booth, it seemed so quite. It was not crowded at all. Some people freshmen came to our booth, but not many stop by automatically. Most of them came because we invited them. I tried reminding myself the main purpose of holding the exhibition which I was reminded earlier.
People are seeking a suitable position for themselves in the diversify college life. Most of them might think that it is the start of their freedom. They want to do something thrilling that they can never experience outside college life. It is understandable. And I am not against the idea that youth should be zestful. In fact vitality is important. Youth is the golden period of learning. We have ample of energy, and we should spend them wisely. Deep down, I really wish that they can get some benefits from our club. I really want to share my happiness with them. Because these happiness are real, they never die.
I see my own shadow in these freshmen. Back in my teens, I used to seek for something dynamic too! I spent most of the time in dance, and socializing with people. It was my life, I thought. I was enjoying the stage, I was enjoying the limelight, I was enjoying the applause. I like to be in the costumes and make ups. I was mesmerized in the light of fame. I do something that is popular. I followed the social mainstream. But at the end of every performance, I felt empty rather than enriching. I wonder if other feel the same? I didn't know how to face the emptiness at first. I tried to refill it by continue dancing at first. But I am never satisfied.
Fortunately, I met my spiritual teacher. He taught me that true happiness doesn't come from materialistic achievements. It is like drinking sea water, which can never quench our thirst. He told me that true happiness come from spiritual growth. Spiritual growth is about the growth of wisdom and compassion, as well as courage. That is true. In eight years of learning, I really changed a lot. I get to know myself more. I get agitated less easily than before, and I am cutting down my greed, and I am more willing to help others.
Spiritual journey is a long run, we don't change overnight, but we are improving consistently. It is much faster and easier to observe one's technical and academical achievements. But those achievements are tools that we can make use of, shouldn't be mistaken as our goal. The social values are now misleading. Many people think the other way round. That's why I sincerely wish that people, especially the youth, can attain the true and long-term happiness.
Helping them is a long run too. I shouldn't expect an immediate effect from the little effort I have made. Right now, I am really touched by my spiritual teachers, as well as the sages and noble men. They are really patient along the journey of enlightening us. I think I am someone with great ignorant. They must have waited for me for thousands of lives, they have been by my side, putting a lot of effort to awaken me and all sentient beings. My teacher also sees hope in us, and he is merrier than anyone else whenever we have some progress. Thinking about them, I feel grateful. They are my role models. So I shall be happy that I am following their path. I should not belittle every actions I did today. I just sowed the seeds today. Next, I have to continue watering the plants, supplying it with enough sunlight and nutrients. One day, the plants would blossom, and the fruit would ripe. Right now, I should affirm my believe in Karma I am creating! Right?
Once again, thank you so much for all those who have helped today. Have a great day!
