Growing Up

I realized that I start blogging again. But I hope that it is not going to become part of my daily routine. I shall blog only when necessary in future. I'm getting busier as school is starting!

I started reading my OLD BLOG recently. I blog quite regularly during my middle school years. I see how emotional and contradicting I was in the past. 

I was wondering what were the ulterior motives behind blogging, besides finding somewhere to express myself? Let's figure it out!

I blog for the sake of blogging. Blogging was a trend in my secondary school life. My good friends blogged, so did I! We read each other's blog, and I usually got excited whenever I saw someone blogged about me, giving me compliments. Sometimes, I was just being nosy, instead of concerning my friends sincerely. Anyhow, I knew people read my blog too! And I was anticipating their comments. To be straight forward, I was seeking for attention.

I wrote about things I do, people I met, interesting conversations, my schedule, my emotions. Sometimes the entries were well elaborated, some were rather vague.

Some entries were made ambiguous deliberately, especially when I got a crush on someone, but I usually wouldn't admit it and keep it to myself, yet it drew the attention sometimes. I was enjoying the infatuation period at the beginning, getting excited when I interacted with that person. Sooner, there were disappointments, or misunderstanding, which resulted in external and internal cold wars. "Love" transformed into "hatred". "Excitements" turned into "frustrations". In the later entries, I denied that I had a crush on him, and started blasting him with sarcasm.

And I seemed so pretentious on other kind of posts too! On certain situations, I was really mad at my best friend. But I never admit my madness, trying to make myself sound so sympathetic in such situation. And I listed the people whom I met when I was down, and thanked them for being there. I was wondering... Was I thanking them sincerely, or deep down, I was showing off my social circles?

In topics I mentioned above, I see irony. As I was reading my entries, I really seemed so emotional. They evolved a disheartening atmosphere. Yet at the same time, I wrote that I am a happy person. Or do I have split personality? I was still naive, yet trying to act mature.

On the posts about my daily lives, I realized I spent most of my time in dance club. I was really enthusiastic about dance. Dance was my life!

To sum up today's topic, I learn to accept the ME in the past, though I laughed at myself for my silliness. All the reasons behind my behaviors were the same. Seeking for happiness. I used to build my happiness on others' attention.

Thank goodness, my life change ever since my spiritual teacher found me. Though I still have a lot of pending bad habits to be kicked away, but at least, I realized that they were in me, and I am kicking them away, one by one. :D

I hope the change in my life shall bring everyone and myself the true happiness!

On my way back from immigration agency.

Alone under the scorching sun.