I was rude to Mum again. We were on the phone. Yes, overseas call. She was telling me about her worries. She mentioned certain books she read that inspired her that we should stop talking bad about Dad at his back, at the mean time we should appreciate him in order to overturn our fate. Yes, I agree with my mum eventually.
But I interrupted, "I'm sorry mother, but I have to say this. I discussed with younger brother about you and dad."
My mum got agitated. "You kids don't understand the difficulties we are facing, you should not judge us by our actions."
"But mum, wait... That's not what I meant... I was trying to convey..."
Before I could finished my sentence, I could feel that my mum was hurt. But I had no intention to upset her. I was trying to convey that Mum cares a lot about Dad, and Dad is also concerned about Mum. But at certain situation, Dad or Mum was doing something which seemed neutral. From the children's perspective, we have no idea how the bicker started, which sometimes escalated to fervent quarrel. Maybe I was wrong to use this example to help my brother understand that: when our state of mind isn't clear, the things we see will turn out distorted, and thus lead to misjudgment.
Since Mum was sad, I knew she couldn't listen calmly. I got frustrated. Deep down, I knew I shouldn't do that, but I couldn't control myself.
Since I was mad, neither could I pay attention to her. Like what I've mentioned, when I am seized by afflictions, the outside world I see will turn out distorted. My mum was trying to show her concern to me, but I responded callously.
"I'm coming over to Taiwan at the end of the month, do you need anything?"
"Track shoes."
"Do you need a bicycle?"
"No. I have been walking for the past three years, and this is my last year.."
My replied was indifferent -- no grateful word, no excitement. Poor Mum! It was like a blustery wind blowing into her heart. In return, I my heart was gutted with guilt! I'm an ingrate, I thought.
I often whine at Mum for the unsatisfactory. That is a great sin. Can I be more rational and sensible? Mum has done so much for me. Since the moment she got pregnant till now, she has never stopped doing her best to raise me up. Bringing up a child is tiring, and she brings up four. I should be more understanding, and give her a hand when she needs a break. Yet I have been taking her for granted like a wishing tree that have to fulfill all my wishes.
I stopped by Alexis website again, I read the earlier entries that were categorized under "Baby". I see mother's love in her. When she was expecting her baby, she began to research about pregnancy safe products, and the health of the baby is her prior concern.
That reminds me of my mother during her pregnancy. She slipped and fell backwards on the hard ground, and the first thing that comes to her mind was my safety. There are many medicines that pregnant women can't take, because they would affect the baby. So it took a longer time for my mum to recover. The crack still remains on her skull! That's only one out of many examples that my mum sacrifice her life to protect me. There are too many examples. Every decision Mum makes, is for the sake of her children.
I must remind myself of her kindness more often, and I must manifest my gratitude towards her.
I'm sorry Mum. Thank you so much! <3
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