It's the Heart that's beautiful

Hi Guys! I went back to Punggol Primary School today, and I encountered something heartwarming today. 

So check it out, and guess who's the one who inspires me today! :D

Yeah, A Great Chance to Let Go!

"Shut up! F*ck you!" This was how he responded when I asked him if he was okay.

It’s a great opportunity for me to let go.

I have committed to myself that I am not going to interact with him for the next half year, unless he encounters any life threats, or he is totally being left alone. But of course I don’t hope such "doom" would ever strike him. It’s a good time to keep my mind clear when I stay away from him.Our relationship has always been complicated at my side. I’m not sure about his side. Perhaps I have been thinking too much all along.

I used to rely on him, telling all the doubts that were bothering me, to seek for his concern and protection. Thinking back, that sounds pretty childish of me. I used to feel secure when I was by his side. He seemed showering me with much care. And you know what? I know nuts about him. I was just deceived by my emotions. But anyway, we enjoyed hanging around with each other. It lasted for two and a half year, and our relationship went downhill.

I turned out looking annoying to him. He stopped responding to me, because I was unaware how busy he was. So my messages were spams to him. One day a fervent quarrel occurred because I could no longer tolerate his indifferent attitude. "Who needs your company?!" I yelled at him harshly when he told me that he had no time for me last summer. I didn't mean it. And our cold war began.

We didn't had proper talk for eight months. Even if we’re in the same chat room, or we saw each other face to face, neither did we talk to each other, nor showing any interest in the topic we initiate in a group conversation. We became each other’s wet blanket. Eventually, we stopped talking to each other. I had lost my courage to talk to him.

I tried erasing him from my life. I kept myself busy, trying not to think about those hurting moments. Sometimes I thought that they were no longer bothering me. But I was wrong. I was just concealing the wounds, not healing them. After so long, I realized that I was still checking on him.

I was wondering if I should break the ice. By any chance, I hope that we can reconcile once more. I took courage to text him, asked about him. Gradually, we talked a little bit more. But I would stop at certain point, because the phobia in the past reminded me that: the more I talk, we would lost each other again. We had dinner together on the valentine’s day, the day before I left Singapore. It was impromptu, it was a coincident. It was not meant to be romantic, but we had a wonderful chat that night, recalling the memories we shared.

But soon after I was back in Taiwan, we became strangers again. I attempted to initiate conversation with him a couple of times, but those attempts seemed to turn out as big disappointments. But on certain occassions, he did respond.

During this half year, he has changed drastically. Many people commented that he has changed a lot, but not for the good. Oh yes, I forgot to mention about two other friends. Four of us used to be best buddies, but now we are no longer a clique. I still stay in touch with the other two, and I am now totally fine with them. Now two of them are keeping distance away from him. He is currently being discriminated by them. Sometimes I feel pretty bad for him them, that I tried approaching him.

Yes, I met up with him once this summer, with my younger sister tagging along. He really changed, but still acceptable, I thought. Maybe I wasn't that sensitive enough, that I mention sometime that triggered him to recalled the painful past that he wants to forget. Maybe he felt that he was left out by the three of us, because it seemed that I initiate the meeting with the four, he was quite passionate about it. But two of them weren't that willing to meet up, and it ended up the rest two and I had an impromptu meeting to work on the videos on the date when he wanted to meet us on. We didn't mean to leave him out, but his mum happened to see us.

He posted depressing status on two consecutive days, mentioning that how he wish his life could end. I was really concerned about him, and I sincerely asked him if he is okay. I got two responses from him. "Don’t ask" "Shut  up! F**k you!" Damn! These are what I get from him.

I broke into rage at first. I wanted to initiate another cold war. But my sister reminded me that he is in a great pain right now. I should be steady, and shouldn't go up and down with his emotions. My sister was right. I am no longer burning in anger.

I am still in the process of cooling down. At least I don’t hate him, and I am still grateful for all those helps he once offered me. Perhaps leaving him alone is the best way to repay his kindness for now.

Do you have such an experience that someone is always so enthusiastic about talking to you, hanging around with you, but you are not passionate about it at all, and sometimes you secretly feel that he or she is disturbing, and better not come and talk to you. This is bad. I have such experience too. So, yeah, maybe I am the one who is playing the irritating role in his life. So I should leave him alone. Thank you, and goodbye!

Good Leader

Seriously, I am really impressed by what I had written 7 years ago. I was only sixteen, and I blogged about elements of a good leader.

Saturday, March 31, 2007
Good Leader

Counting down: 17 days to SYF Central Judging for Chinese Dance & Chinese Oratorical Contest Final, 24 days to SYF Central Judging for International Dance and MY BIRTHDAY!!!

This is my second post. Continue with the previous post tiny words... ...

Sometimes, people usually pin-points at others. I'm neutral. I side neither of the three parties. But I had a clear view of what had gone wrong. But the people involved don't really realise the greatest mistake. I wonder why people don't put themselves in one anothers' shoes? So that they will understand how the other parties feel?

I feel like doing something to better the situation. But I don't want to get myself involved into the situation. It will worsen everything. I am not a good conflict manager or peace trooper.

What is self reflection? Not staring at the mirror and admiring how on the own looks... Neither staring at the reflection in the clear water of toilet bowl... Well, one should calm down and relax and forget about others' mistakes. One should recalled the incident and wonder what mistake she had done and change the attitude. Not pushing all the blame to others thinking that she is right all along. No one is perfect! If everyone is perfect, the world shall be peace. And self reflection is thinking through what went wrong with herself, but not waiting others to tell her directly to her face. Being too frank will hurt others. She may find someone to guide her along her reflection.

Firstly, what does a good leader mean?

Well, a good leader shouldn't be demanding or always scold people. Well, respect the others' rights. Put herself in the others' shoes. Think how they feel before she makes her move. Not all the people will understand her purpose. Scolding everybody all the times is not a right way to make the team improve. At the end of the day, people won't apprecaite it and condem her. They would think that she is unreasonable and disliked her. She will gain no respect from them.

A good leader should not climb on top of her own leader's head. A good leader must show a good example to her teamates. She must respect her leader's decision, be it she likes it or not, she should not show her objection in front of her teamates. She should also respect people who are senior to her even if they do not have any position. No matter what, they are still older than her. Respecting the others is very important.

A good leader should not think highly upon herself. Humility is very important. Others' rights and decision should be respected. Her authorities should not be abused. When people disobey her, she should think through what had gone wrong? Is her method of commanding wrong? Do the others like her idea? She should accept the feedback from the teamates. She should learn how to accept help from the others.

A good leader must be understanding and compassionate -- showering the teamates with affection, care and concern. Not being too fierce. A good leader should not scold her teamates immediately if she sees someone not progressing well. She must approach her teamates in a caring tone. But must truly from her heart. She shouldn't be sarcastic when people make mistakes. Hey, I make mistakes too, I doubt you don't!

A good leader must be firm but not in those demanding tone. People don't like it. It hurts their ears. Be firm so that people wouldn't climb on top of her. Being strict is important but must be flexible sometimes. At least people would not feel tensed up.

A good leader must take initiative and be responsible. She should not push all the blames on her teamates. She should identify the problem and get the right person to solve it.

A good leader must be patient. Even though her skill is good and more experienced than the others, she should guide the others patiently. Not everyone is fast learner.

A good leader must be motivating, convincing and enthusiastic. These would influence the others to be passionate with their mission. Encourage them to perservere when they attempt to give up.

All those elements mentioned are essentials of a good leader. At the end of the day, the teamates will respect her and obey her. There would not be any hatred. Everyone would be more cooperative and passionate. Considering about others' feelings is important!

Have I missed out anything? Are those mentioned agreeable? Feedback please!

King Longevity (English summarized version of 《長壽王》)

Endless eons ago, there lived a King called Longevity. He had a son, named Price Immortal. King Longevity ruled his country with perfect righteous. During his reign, the people lived happily.

Comparatively, the King of the neighboring country was ferocious and greedy. Everyone was afraid of him. King Greedy was his name. Seeing the prosperity of Kingdom of Longevity, King Greedy decided to conquer it.

Knowing his plot, King Longevity told his ministers, "Let him have the Kingdom, since he wants it so badly. Do not fight, so no one will be injured or killed."

Hence, King Longevity brought Prince Immortal along, and hid deep in the mountains.

King Greedy seized the Kingdom of Longevity, and announced "Whoever find King Longevity shall be rewarded with ten thousand ounce of golds!"

One day, a Brahmin caught the sight of King Longevity. He took him to King Greedy. King Greedy was overjoyed, and rewarded him with ten thousand ounce of golds. King Longevity was tied onto the scaffold, and prepared to be burnt.

Prince Immortal heard about it, and he disguised himself as a woodcutter. Beholding his son in the crowd, King Longevity raised his voice, "My son! Do not take revenge! Do not harm any life. If you do, it would be the greatest impiety! Be compassionate, it's most auspicious!"

Prince Immortal couldn't bear to witness his father's death, so he left. He was extremely upset, he had an urge to take revenge. He went to Kingdom of Greed as a farmer, and served the people. One day, King Greedy bypassed the farm, and asked the steward, "Who is the green finger of the farm?"

The steward brought Prince Immortal to the King. Having many talents, King Greedy was fond of him, and asked, "Do you know martial arts?", as King Longevity was killed, King Greedy was fearful that Prince Immortal might take revenge. Prince Immortal replied, "Yes!" King Greedy was rejoiced, and asked him to be his bodyguard. (The real identity of Price Immortal was undiscovered.)

One day, they went out hunting in the woods, and they lost their way. After three days, hungry and tired, King Greedy passed his sword over to Prince Immortal and fell asleep.

When Prince Immortal was about to slash King Greedy as he raised the sword, he thought of his father's words, "Don't take revenge! Be compassionate, it's most auspicious." So he put away the sword. King Greedy woke up, and said, "I had a nightmare! Prince Immortal is going to kill me!" Prince Immortal comforted, "It's the mountain deities that are frightening you! I am here to protect you!"

King Greedy went back to sleep. Prince Immortal raised the sword again. As he was about to slash the King, he thought of his father's reminder, "Don't take revenge! Be compassionate, it's most auspicious!" So he kept the sword again. King Greedy awoke, and said, "Prince Immortal is going to kill me, again! But he put the sword away, again!" Prince Immortal assured, "No, he won't! I am here to protect you!"

King Greedy fell into slumber again. This was the third time Prince Immortal raised the sword, and when he was about to slash, he thought of his father's word clearly in his mind. He made up his mind, he is not going to kill King Greedy, he no longer wants to take revenge. So he kept the put away the sword.

King Greedy woke up again, and said, "I had a dream again, Prince Immortal raised the sword and was going to kill me, but he decided not to kill me anymore!" Prince Immortal replied, "I am Prince Immortal! I want to obey my father's words -- Don't take revenge! Be compassionate, it's most auspicious! I have to follow his words!" He continued, "I know the way out, I always wanted to take revenge! Now, I shall take you back to palace."

After they returned, King Greedy gathered everyone, and announced, "This is Prince Immortal! He listens to his father's precepts, and decided not to take revenge, decided not to kill me. I shall return Kingdom of Longevity to him!" King Greedy lead his troop back to his own country.

Mother Love

I made a big mistake last night. And it wasn't the first time.

I was rude to Mum again. We were on the phone. Yes, overseas call. She was telling me about her worries. She mentioned certain books she read that inspired her that we should stop talking bad about Dad at his back, at the mean time we should appreciate him in order to overturn our fate. Yes, I agree with my mum eventually.

But I interrupted, "I'm sorry mother, but I have to say this. I discussed with younger brother about you and dad."

My mum got agitated. "You kids don't understand the difficulties we are facing, you should not judge us by our actions."

"But mum, wait... That's not what I meant... I was trying to convey..."

Before I could finished my sentence, I could feel that my mum was hurt. But I had no intention to upset her. I was trying to convey that Mum cares a lot about Dad, and Dad is also concerned about Mum. But at certain situation, Dad or Mum was doing something which seemed neutral. From the children's perspective, we have no idea how the bicker started, which sometimes escalated to fervent quarrel. Maybe I was wrong to use this example to help my brother understand that: when our state of mind isn't clear, the things we see will turn out distorted, and thus lead to misjudgment.

Since Mum was sad, I knew she couldn't listen calmly. I got frustrated. Deep down, I knew I shouldn't do that, but I couldn't control myself.

Since I was mad, neither could I pay attention to her. Like what I've mentioned, when I am seized by afflictions, the outside world I see will turn out distorted. My mum was trying to show her concern to me, but I responded callously.

"I'm coming over to Taiwan at the end of the month, do you need anything?"

"Track shoes."

"Do you need a bicycle?"

"No. I have been walking for the past three years, and this is my last year.."

My replied was indifferent -- no grateful word, no excitement. Poor Mum! It was like a blustery wind blowing into her heart. In return, I my heart was gutted with guilt! I'm an ingrate, I thought.

I often whine at Mum for the unsatisfactory. That is a great sin. Can I be more rational and sensible? Mum has done so much for me. Since the moment she got pregnant till now, she has never stopped doing her best to raise me up. Bringing up a child is tiring, and she brings up four. I should be more understanding, and give her a hand when she needs a break. Yet I have been taking her for granted like a wishing tree that have to fulfill all my wishes.

I stopped by Alexis website again, I read the earlier entries that were categorized under "Baby". I see mother's love in her. When she was expecting her baby, she began to research about pregnancy safe products, and the health of the baby is her prior concern. 

That reminds me of my mother during her pregnancy. She slipped and fell backwards on the hard ground, and the first thing that comes to her mind was my safety. There are many medicines that pregnant women can't take, because they would affect the baby. So it took a longer time for my mum to recover. The crack still remains on her skull! That's only one out of many examples that my mum sacrifice her life to protect me. There are too many examples. Every decision Mum makes, is for the sake of her children.

I must remind myself of her kindness more often, and I must manifest my gratitude towards her.

I'm sorry Mum. Thank you so much! <3

Define Happy

9 months ago, it was reported that "Singapore is not only emotionless but unhappy (the unhappiest in the world) as well." 9 months later, an article headline goes "Singapore the happiest nation in Asia: UN study."

I was wondering: why is there such a great different? How do they rate happiness?

Many news media reported about the former one. (20 Dec 2012)
WASHINGTON - Singaporeans are the least positive people in the world, according to international pollster Gallup at least.

Residents of Singapore, which ranks fifth in the world in terms of GDP per capita, were the least likely to report positive emotions. 

In contrast, residents of Panama, which ranks 90th in the world with respect to GDP per capita, are among the most likely to report positive emotions. 

Higher income does not necessarily mean higher wellbeing, researchers said.

And here goes the subheading for the latter report "SINGAPORE - If Singaporeans have any reason to smile, it's because their nation has moved up three places to be the 30th happiest country in the world."

The report, by the UN Sustainable Development Solutions Network, looked at six areas to determine why people in a country or territory are happier than those in others. They are: gross domestic product (GDP) per capita; years of healthy life expectancy; having someone to count on in times of trouble; perceptions of corruption; prevalence of generosity; and freedom to make life choices.

Dr Ng Wei Ting, a senior lecturer of SIM University's psychology programme, said various studies have shown a person's perception of happiness is associated with a country's GDP, and this pattern has similarly been observed in Singapore. 

"The fulfilment of these psychological needs is not only crucial to one's life evaluation, but is also central to one's positive and negative feelings," said Dr Ng."For instance, nations that are high in social support score higher in life evaluation, and the importance of social support even extends beyond wealth."

It is obvious that both reports are about Singaporeans' Happiness, but they are discussed under different circumstances. "Happiness" itself is profound. We can view it from many perspective. So no one is lying. How do you define happiness?

Our perceptions affects our happiness. I truly wish that everyone is happy!

Source: SGAG

Growing Up

I realized that I start blogging again. But I hope that it is not going to become part of my daily routine. I shall blog only when necessary in future. I'm getting busier as school is starting!

I started reading my OLD BLOG recently. I blog quite regularly during my middle school years. I see how emotional and contradicting I was in the past. 

I was wondering what were the ulterior motives behind blogging, besides finding somewhere to express myself? Let's figure it out!

I blog for the sake of blogging. Blogging was a trend in my secondary school life. My good friends blogged, so did I! We read each other's blog, and I usually got excited whenever I saw someone blogged about me, giving me compliments. Sometimes, I was just being nosy, instead of concerning my friends sincerely. Anyhow, I knew people read my blog too! And I was anticipating their comments. To be straight forward, I was seeking for attention.

I wrote about things I do, people I met, interesting conversations, my schedule, my emotions. Sometimes the entries were well elaborated, some were rather vague.

Some entries were made ambiguous deliberately, especially when I got a crush on someone, but I usually wouldn't admit it and keep it to myself, yet it drew the attention sometimes. I was enjoying the infatuation period at the beginning, getting excited when I interacted with that person. Sooner, there were disappointments, or misunderstanding, which resulted in external and internal cold wars. "Love" transformed into "hatred". "Excitements" turned into "frustrations". In the later entries, I denied that I had a crush on him, and started blasting him with sarcasm.

And I seemed so pretentious on other kind of posts too! On certain situations, I was really mad at my best friend. But I never admit my madness, trying to make myself sound so sympathetic in such situation. And I listed the people whom I met when I was down, and thanked them for being there. I was wondering... Was I thanking them sincerely, or deep down, I was showing off my social circles?

In topics I mentioned above, I see irony. As I was reading my entries, I really seemed so emotional. They evolved a disheartening atmosphere. Yet at the same time, I wrote that I am a happy person. Or do I have split personality? I was still naive, yet trying to act mature.

On the posts about my daily lives, I realized I spent most of my time in dance club. I was really enthusiastic about dance. Dance was my life!

To sum up today's topic, I learn to accept the ME in the past, though I laughed at myself for my silliness. All the reasons behind my behaviors were the same. Seeking for happiness. I used to build my happiness on others' attention.

Thank goodness, my life change ever since my spiritual teacher found me. Though I still have a lot of pending bad habits to be kicked away, but at least, I realized that they were in me, and I am kicking them away, one by one. :D

I hope the change in my life shall bring everyone and myself the true happiness!

On my way back from immigration agency.

Alone under the scorching sun.